Staying Together for the Sake of the Kids is Usually a Terrible Idea

Posted on by Barbara J. Shah

No two families are alike, and everyone’s marriage and marital problems are unique, to a point.  However, after many years of divorce practice, there are some things that have become clear.  First of all, for the purposes of this article, I am not going to discuss religious beliefs and practices.   I can safely assume that no one’s religion or religious practices countenances the torture of children.  If yours does, stop reading; this article is not for you.

People who carry on marital battles in an “intact household,” that is, where no one moves out and the parties remain residing in the same residence while fighting with each other (or maintaining a stony silence), seem to be to be like people who are beating their heads against the wall.  Why are they doing this?  If they are just two adults living together, some just work it out and go and come like ships in the night.  Everyone has their own reason, and if it is not emotionally exhausting to carry on such a lifestyle, well, who am I to stop them?  Except that how can they be truly happy?  How can they carry on socially, have friends over for drinks or dinner, etc?  How can they develop a new love life?  Why are they hanging on to this empty husk of a marriage?

The real rub comes in when there are children of any age in the household.  What is the purpose of family life?  To form an economic and emotional unit where each supports the other and the children learn love (and independence, hopefully) under the loving guidance of their parents (or parent, in the case of a single-parent family)?  Well, that is the plan.  The children observe and learn how to behave in a family, and they are able to take risks, because they are secure in the love and guidance of their parents.  If they fail at an enterprise, they have the confidence that they will still be loved at home, and most parents will encourage them to keep trying until they succeed.

What happens when children live in a household where their parents are at war?  At the very top of the terrible scale, if they observe domestic violence perpetrated on one parent by the other, it will form a permanent impression on them.  There is plenty of solid research available which tracks the effect on children’s later lives of witnessing parent-on-parent violence, and it is pretty depressing.  A parent who stays with an abusive parent is doing no favor at all to the children.  I realize that it is not easy to separate from a violent parent, but ignoring the effect on the children of witnessing parent-on-parent violence is not a wise option either.

Although domestic violence is a serious and under-reported marital problem, living in an unhappy household where there is no actual physical violence is not very healthy for children either. Let’s assume this is a household where the parents argue regularly, whether over money or any other major issue.  First of all, those who believe that their children do not know they are fighting are kidding themselves. Children ALWAYS know when their parents are fighting.  We know that even in the most stable of marriages parents fight.  The difference is:  do they make up?  Do they apologize to each other?  Do they figure out ways to work out the issue their fight was about?  When children see their parents working out their differences in a constructive way, it is an important learning experience for them. They learn how to cope with different ideas and opinions of their partners and work out their differences in a civilized manner.

The problem in a household where the parents are always at war or always angry with each other is that children don’t observe a healthy pattern of behavior to pattern themselves after. Studies clearly reveal that these children are at risk, and that they will experience problems in forming healthy adult relationships later in life.  So, if you are one of those parents who is “staying together for the sake of the children” with an abusive/angry spouse, but in doing so are exposing them to ongoing marital strife, think again.

Father’s Day: Some advice for separated or divorced dads (and moms) from a child custody lawyer

Posted on by Barbara J. Shah

Not every father has a happy Father’s Day.  Often dads who are divorced or separated from their children have a sad or lonely Father’s Day.  This need not be.  For the purposes of this article, I’m going to assume that the Dads I’m referring to are not drunks, mentally ill, or abusive brutes, that they are just regular guys, not perfect but that they love their children and want to spend time with them.  If the dad reading this article falls into those “bad” categories, I advise counseling and soul-searching; you will never be able to form a normal relationship with your children if they are afraid of you.

A good relationship can be maintained with children of divorce and separation, but it’s not easy.  It’s important for both Mom and Dad to recognize the role the other parent has in the life of a child.  We know that prior to separation, most couples have assumed some sort of pattern, often the traditional pattern that Dad works full-time (sometimes 2 jobs) and Mom works part-time (or not at all) and manages the household and child-rearing.  Sometimes it’s the reverse.  Without reference to the reason for the separation, we expect that the parties’ prior pattern of family responsibilities is going to change when they separate.  If Dad (or Mom) has had little responsibility for child-rearing while the parties were together, we expect that that parent will want to step and take more responsibility for arranging the children’s lives.  Since the parties will be not living together, it means that both parents will need to accept changes in routine, that is, that there will be periods when the children are not with them at all, that they will be in the other parent’s custody, and the other parent will need to step up and work out bedtimes, clothing, schoolwork, and discipline for the children.  Often the parent who will be seeing the children less due to this change has a hard time accepting it, and the person who will be having more time with the children feels overwhelmed by the new responsibilities.  These feelings are normal; they can be alleviated by the parents by learning to work together or cooperate.  What’s that you say?? If we could cooperate we’d still be together!!!  Well, it’s time to grow up and be an adult.  For the “abandoned” parent (who is seeing the kids less), get a hobby.  Learn to enjoy time away from the children.  Despite what you may think, your children are not your life.  If they are, you are too involved in their lives.  Accept that things will be different at the other parent’s home, and assume that he or she loves them too.  Children do not have to have mirror-image lives in the other parent’s home.  So long as they are safe and appropriately nourished and rested, you should not try to control what happens when they are with the other parent. Don’t turn your child into a “buddy” and unload your troubles on them.  If you need to talk to someone about your angry feelings about the other parent, talk to your mother or get a dog.  Leave the children out of it.

For the parent who is having more time with the children, it’s time to grow up and be an adult too.  Don’t be the “Disneyland” parent.  Make sure that the children have regular bedtimes and a routine at your house too.  Make sure they eat appropriate meals.  Speak respectfully about the other parent, even if the children tell you that the other parent is bashing you to the children.  Just smile sadly and say, “That must make you feel sad,” when you hear a report such as that, and dismiss it.  Resist the impulse to badmouth the other parent, even if you believe they are badmouthing you.  Think of the children’s feelings and let your home be the place where they feel safe and comfortable, where they don’t hear negative talk about the other parent.

Cooperation between parents is the best present you can give your children.  You don’t have to like the other parent to respect them as a parent, and when you start putting the children’s feeling ahead of yours, you will realize that that is what they need, to grow up in an atmosphere of acceptance and understanding, one where they will not be able to manipulate either parent, because the parents communicate with each other.

All this is hard to do, I understand.  However, co-parenting counseling is available almost everywhere.  Take a deep breath and vow to be the parent who cooperates; avoid fighting.  Avoid calling the police.  Remember, each child knows that they are made up of half of each parent, so if one parent is really bad, part of them is really bad too.  Enjoy your time with your children.  Happy Father’s Day.